Life Interrupted

Life. beat up.

2007-08-27T10:25:13Z

So-he drank tonight. started being a complete asshole. and tried to make me sleep on the couch. it ended up him trying to rip me off the bed-spilling tea all over the bed in the process. throwing the cup and hitting me in the face. spitting on me multiple times. throwing me into walls. pouring water all over me. i dont know where to start. ugh. i am seriously afraid to go to sleep. pretty sad how i now fear for my life. greatttt. and-it turns out-i have noone to turn to. Becca's in San Antonio. Crystal's in Georgia. Bryn's in South carolina. it figures. i am at a loss. oh-wait. i start taking the pics of my daughter off the dresser-b/c i didn't want them messed up. he has the fucking nerve to say "yeah-take the pics of your fat ugly kid. she's a whore just like her mother." are you fucking serious? and he also says "you can't even fight for your kid..." yeah-the reason i couldn't fight for her-is b/c i had NO FUCKING SUPPORT FROM THE LITTLE FUCKING BOY SUPPOSED TO BE MY FUCKING HUSBAND. anyways. someone please help.

Life. ripped.

2007-08-27T07:15:59Z

i swear. just when we start getting along. so. i recently was found on Facebook by one of my OLD high school friends, JJ. Well, since Dean believes i cheated on him-he now freaks the fuck out when i talk to JJ on yahoo messenger. and we aren't talking about anything bad. He used to be one of my best friends. and dean will not chill out. i have pics of my friend from high school-and i was talkin to him not too long ago on myspace. yet dean wants to try and say "ive never heard of him". yeah. well-i guess his brain is so fucking fried that anything i tell him-or any of my friends i introduce/tell him about-he doesn't remember them. and then gets all fucking pyscho. today-he left his myspace up. and i find this in the inbox:
From Dean to Amanda

yo lady! its been awhile. i havent had a break from anything since i got back from the desert. but im finally takin leave all next week and just sittin around. well i also gotta study cause i test for Staff Sergeant in 6 days. but yeah, gimme your number. ive been meaning to catch up with alot of people. mine is 325 518 8449. later bonanda

From Amanda to Dean
heyyy handsome! yes indeed its been waaaaay too long..how was the desert? make any sand castles? lol well thats cool..i guess im gonna have to take off of work this week to see you :) and u best believe im gonna! but yea bro my numbers 732-567-1967..hit me up :) '

yeah. and he dated this girl. but he wants to run his fucking mouth. not too mention the fact he keeps on with the "you cheated on me" yeah-well WHAT THE FUCK was the dating profile i found??? he was looking for ass before he went to the desert-and it really would NOT surprise me if he found some stupid desert whore. i would never fucking know. and it DOES happen over there. i know that for a fact. but he wants to play the fucking blame game-and act like he's a fucking saint????? he's gotta be outa his fucking mind!!!!!!!!!!! but i'm the messed one here? yeah. right. that's fucking funny. and now he's got his ex writing that shit to him? "oh-you better believe i'll take off work to see you handsome"

he'd freak the fuck out if my ex was writing that. he always runs his fucking mouth about "your ex that and your ex this...." fuck him and his ex's. how dare he run his fucking mouth????? ugh. i feel like shit. and i am getting doors slammed, gettin called a bitch, all kindsa shit-just for talking to one of my old old best friends. who happens to be in the Army-in IRAQ. yeah. oh-and i should mention. i used to be best friends with JJ's wife. but none of that matters. dean just thinks i'm trying to fuck JJ. or god knows what else. ugh. he needs to chill the fuck out-and take a look in the fucking mirror. ugh. i feel like shit...and he wants to act like a complete asshole??? He is a fucking alcoholic-whether or not he wants to admit it. he drinks BY HIMSELF-just to drink. normal people sit around the house on a sunday and drink tea, or soda...something. no-dean sits around drinking rum and coke-and EVERYTIME he is drinking he turns into a complete fucking asshole. i hate it. and i hate him when he's like that. but i should be used to it-b/c he's drank since the first night we went out. he doesn't see it. but he's a fucking alchy. one time we got in a fight-he decided to throw me up against the wall with his arm at my throat. and then he tries to tell me-i wasn't choking you-i was just gettin the papers outa your hand. (i took a bunch of his songs and threw em on the ground.) yeaaaaah. trying to slap papers outa my hand is one thing. but if you're slapping something outa someone's hand-how does your arm end up against their throat?????

anyways. well. i'm getting tired as hell. i need to relax and fall asleep so i don't have to deal with his stupid, drunk, asshole self. anyways. till next time. mucho love!

Life. Balanced?

2007-08-21T01:03:11Z

I am hurting. it sucks.

I love him so much. even tho i do not like him sometimes.

and no matter how mad he makes me and how much mean stuff he says to me. i still can not stay mad at him. I wish things would just go back to normal.
i want to keep "planning" our wedding. (we got married at the JP) instead-i am silently worrying my heart out about whether or not we WILL make it. whether or not he is serious about a divorce.
I want to go back to me and him. no rumors mattered. we believed in each other and trusted each other. yeah. now-he doesn't trust me. and well-i don't trust him either. but-i believe-in a marriage- you are supposed to work thru things. I truly believe he is my soulmate. and i don't want to lose him. My stomach is constantly in knots-

wondering and wondering.

he acts sweet towards me. then says something like "when you're gone."

example. a few min. ago-on the phone with him-i said i wanted to cook him dinner. he said "might as well get a few more meals in before you're gone."

ugh. this is slowly killing me.

i want us to be a family. kids, dogs. the whole nine yards. instead i'm worrying myself to death-slowly. and this isn't the only thing on my mind. my whole daughter situation is too. I found out this weekend that i have a really good chance i could get her back. but what if dean is really planning on this divorce? i can't bring my daughter back to that. if the "d" happens. my whole life will be destroyed. not just emotionally-but in every other way possible. i will lose everything. ugh.

i love this man so much. i don't know what to do to fix this. i just want us to return to normal. i hate not knowing. i hate the fact that i could lose him. he is my whole world, my heart, my soul. and my world, heart and soul are slowly being broken into pieces. it's like something he is holding over my head for when he gets mad-the whole "d" thing.

He's a little upset with me b/c our sex life slowly died. since he's gotten back from the desert-i have had so much on my mind-that sex is just not on my list of things i want to do. and it makes me feel horrible. not too mention-it makes me hurt when we do. which-the reasoning behind that most likely-is that when i had cervical cancer-i got an infection-which my doctor thinks closed up my tubes. and that causes pain. i am in the process of seeing if that is what happened. and trying to fix it if so. if my tubes did get closed up. and they can't surgically fix them-i have to try and have children thru in-vitro fertilization. i want to have children with dean. i love him. i don't want anyone else in this world. and i can't make him see this-or realize this. i am at a loss now. i have no idea what to do anymore. all i can do is sit and worry. i hate feeling this way. and what makes it worse-is he thinks he's the only one who was betrayed. He signed up for a dating website-talking about "i'm married and looking for a casual relationship, no strings attached-before i go to the desert. " yeah. i found that. and i didn't look into it. he told me that he didn't do anythiing further with it. and i believe him. there's still a trust issue there-it will take a little while to get over that-but he's my husband. i want to make things work-get over this bump in the road. and instead-he's making a mountain out of it. and giving up. and that kills me. ugh. well. i just wanted to write this. to say that i love him. and i only hope he realizes how much-before it's too late.

Just random pics of my heart and soul.

Us just being goofy.

us-right after he got back from the desert the 1st time.

Us. Our professional pics we had done.

Us at the Jersey Shore last summer

our first kiss as husband and wife

I f*cking hate him

2007-08-16T21:56:37Z

god. i tried so hard to fucking work on our marriage. he saw a stupid email and now thinks i fucking cheated on him. he didn't look into it at all. what the fuck is wrong with him? he came home today from work-and we ended up getting into it. he said he didn't love me. i cleaned the fucking house alllll day-and i was fixing to get dinner ready and he starts running his mouth again. ugh. i want this to work out so bad. but he's making that really fucking difficult. i don't understand why things can't go back to the way they were. every time we start to get back to normal-he says something stupid like "when you move into your apt..." shit like that. "well-when you're gone..." ugh. this shit is killing me. i don't know what to do anymore. i really don't. i am really starting to believe that this whole marriage was just a fucking joke. oh-and he tells me today-well so and so told me stuff. yeah-when asked-he wouldn't tell me who it was. then he tried saying "my first sgt is sick of fucking hearing about you." yeah-i believe that one. ugh!!!! i'm calling his first shirt tom. god. i'm so mad. i don't know what to do anymore... ugh. and no matter how fucking pissed off i get-i calm down after he leaves-and i can be nice again. but the hurt inside-well-it never goes away. gah. well. ugh. yeah-i told him. we can get a divorce-but i'm staying in this fukcing house untill i'm ready to get out-then-half of it's mine. along with half the shit. fuck him. oh-and he tried telling me "you did the same thing-cheatin on dustin." (my ex husband) and no-i got legally, on paper, seperated from Dustin-before i even thought about dating someone. then-i only dated one person. so fuck dean

Life. very disrupted

2007-08-10T22:10:27Z

gah. He's fucking bipolar. i swear. so-i cleaned the house all day-b/c well- he wants to have a party here tonight... he gets home. everything is fine. well. then-he decides to get out the puppy treats and start "trying" to teach his stupid ass puppy to sit. i'm not saying she's stupid to be mean. she just is really fucking stupid. she'll piss on the floor-one foot away from a puppy pad. then walk allll around in it. when i open the door to let all the dogs in (i have two pomeranians) she'll sit in front of the glass door-looking in at the house-whining. she's stupid. i've tried repeatedly to teach her how to sit. my pom Princess-she's 9 months old-and learned how to sit, lay, fetch when she was about 3 months old. Prince is 9 weeks old-and he already knows how to sit. and when i would teach him-the other two dogs (princess and lela-my stupid husbands stupid dog) would be there. Princess would sit beside Prince-knowing they were getting treats. meanwhile-Lela is going fucking nuts-jumping all over the other dogs and jumpin all over me. but Prince Charming learned how to sit. well. i always give all dogs treats. so-today-dean''s teaching his stupid dog how to sit. and princess and charm are actually leaving her alone. well. i tell dean. "you have to give all the dogs treats." no. he won't. he's teaching "HIS" dog how to sit. i don't care about him teaching my dogs. at least give them a treat. don't play fucking favorites. b/c now my puppies think that they did something wrong. b/c lela got treats and they didn't. and now he's fucking fighting with me-being a complete asshole b/c i told him it was fucked up he wasn't giving all dogs treats. fuck him. god. i seriously hate him sometimes. and it really makes me wonder why i am trying so fucking hard to stay with him. i don't want this shit for the rest of my life. ugh. so much for the party. i'm going to find a party somewhere else. i don't want to be around his stupid, favorite playing, jackass self.

anyways. till later

kisses!

life. very interrupted.

2007-08-08T21:54:50Z

Ugh. so. i wrote him a note last night. and left it for when he would wake up this morning. saying "you told the marriage counselor that you wanted to try. and you told me you wanted to. so won't you please try. for me?" he said "if you won't sign the papers. i would look for an attorney."

WTF???????

ugh. so-lunch. he comes home. things are a little akward. once again. but he's being somewhat normal. well. i clean the rest of the day. like a good little housewife. and he comes home and starts fucking bitching. are you serious?! starts cussing at me, telling me to shut the fuck up. calling me a bitch. ugh. what the fuck. what the hell is his problem???? god. i love him with all my heart. and i think a part of the reason i dont' want a divorce is because this has been my life for the past two years. and the thought of having to start over once again. scares me. i don't like it. you know. i always thought. when you're married. you're sposed to work things out. work thru things. but instead. he's just ready to give up. he acts like and makes me think-that he is just ready to get out and be a single whore again. "oh now i can hang out with all my single friends. not have to worry about my bitch wife.i can fuck whoever, whenever." yeah. it's sad. but i truly feel like that's what he wants. it's not supposed to be like that. WHAT THE HELL????

his family and his friends back home hate me. and i really don't care.
his mother is an alcoholic addicted to pain medicine.
his friends are all loser druggies.
and he wonders why i don't care if these people like me?! are you serious?! they're shit. all of them.
granted. my family had problems. there was child abuse growing up. but you know what?! i've forgiven my family. and now-they are good people. they don't judge me. they don't judge dean. shit-they've never met him. but before his mother even MET me. she didn't like me. how fucked up is that?! that's b/c he doesn't tell her good shit about me. nope-it's all bad. no wonder she has a bad perception of me. hm. gah . i don't know what to do anymore. i really don't. this is really frustrating. i jsut want to cry. with everything i have gone thru lately. with no support from my husband whatsoever. it's depressing. it really is. i really feel like he does not care one ounce for me.

it shouldn't be like this. everything is so hidden now. we both have myspace's. do we have each others passwords? nope. i have nothing to hide. it's just the fact that apparently he does. b/c he's not given me his password. he has a bad habit of doing stupid shit on the computer when he's drunk. so god knows who he's written. what he's written. before he left for the desert. he "supposedly" was drunk. and signed up for a dating website. yeah. it said in his profile "married and looking." "looking for someone to have a casual, no strings attached, kinky, one on one sex, with. " yeah. said also " fixing to leave for the middle east. want to have some fun before i go." what the hell?! are you serious? yeah. makes me feel fucking wonderful.

i'm so lost.

i get so upset so easily. and after everything i've already gone thru-and what i'm fixing to go thru. i cant handle this. i have always put up these 'walls', to try and protect myself from people seeing my feelings, emotions. and they are starting to break down. i can't hold everything in anymore. someone please help me. anyone.

time to go act like my life is perfect.

My life. Beginning.

2007-08-08T01:08:04Z

This is the beginning.

and for some reason. it is also the end.

I have decided to start this blog as a place to put my thoughts, seeing as i can somehow type faster than i can write-and it's therefore the faster way of trying to keep up with my thoughts. They come at me like speeding bullets. There is no way that i have found to avoid them. and in the end. i do feel, like bullets, that they will kill me.

My life is nothing short of being a complete wreck.

it has been since the very start.

I was born to a loving, caring father who would go onto raise my sisters and i along with my wonderful and amazing mommie [for future reference. the lady i call Mommie is my Step mother.]

I was also born to Leslie. She gave me life. and that's it. that's as far as it goes. after that. nothing.
When i was 7 years old-while visiting Leslie's parents-she walked out.

left.

from then on-just my sisters and my father and me. untill my mommie came along. she saved us all.

....okay. time to skip to my life as of lately.

I have a 5 year old daughter.
BUT.
I do not have custody of her.
in fact Leslie just got the wonderful privelage (that spelling looks wrong. sorry) of adopting my daughter. yeah.

Long story short. i was young [20] and VERY naive. i took my daughter, Nevaeh Grayce, down to visit her stupid, selfish, grandmother, Leslie-in Florida. When i called to talk to Leslie about when would be a good time to come pick up Nevaeh, She told me-you can't have her back untill you do this, this and this.

Yeah. She set stipulations for me to fulfill-before i could get my daughter back.

Now-i did not call the cops-i did not call child services. noone. i did not know what to do. at that time. i thought "well-i can fulfill these stipulations. and then i will go get Nevaeh. When my life is 'together'."

Leslie did not give me any time whatsoever to fulfill those stipulations. a month later. she filed for guardianship. which i just now found out about-4 years later. Long story short-just because i'm sick of telling the story. all it does is kill me slowly and hurt me horribly.

but. Long story short. Leslie kicked me out of Nevaeh's life. They never told her who i was. She thinks of me and my sisters as her sisters. she knows leslie and her stupid a$$hole husband as mom and dad. how messed up is that?! ahhh. okay.

New subject. i will eventually get around to putting the whole story on here. i just get very easily upset and frustrated and mad thinking about it.

Anyways. I'm married. I am 24-he's 22. he used to do alot of drugs in high school. i used to be the 'good girl' in high school. we disagree on quite alot of stuff. i guess opposites do attract tho. because we are about as opposite as you can get.

i'm from davie county, nc.
he's from Howell, nj.

i am country as shit.
and he's city as all get out.

anyways. lately.

I guess i should give a little of the background story before i get to the main reasoning behind wanting to put my thoughts in here.

We have been together for 2 years. it's the second longest relationship i have ever had. i love him with all my heart. and i am still in love with him-despite everything.

So...on with the backstory.

He is in the Air Force. He deploys to the Middle East, about every Feb.
He went this past Feb.
We emailed constantly. he called when he could. and then. i get an email from him. saying "who's adam. and why's he sleeping at the house?"

Now, one of my best friends is Adam. but. after my husband left for the desert-i had only hung out with adam 3 times. And he'd never been at the house past 9:30pm.

See-

Adam had started dating this new girl-Lauren.
Lauren would get off work at 10pm.
So adam would leave to go pick her up.

Well-i come to find out that this 'kid' was emailing my husband while he was in the desert-

I can't find the email this kid wrote first. But basically it said this 'kid' adam was always at the house, always spending the night, and i was always with him.

then-this 'kid' emails my husband the following:

[my husband had wrote back-asking if he'd seen me. and how he knew about adam]

Well I found out just by seeing them together.. I haven’t really seen her too much since then.. Like when you first left and I was still hanging with that kim girl we went over there a few times and when we were getting rdy to leave he was there, and he didn’t leave and ended up staying there.. and a few random times driving by from late night outs, and drinks and such, I seen his car there.. I can’t remember the kids last name lol, he’s newer than me but not that new.. I think either works backshop or B1 side.. I only know his first name is Adam, and she says they’re like best friends. But if you’ve never heard of the kid seems kinda phishy to me. Don’t let it eat you dude, it’s prob nothing. Just ask her about it, and why shes been doing so much with em.. as far as them going out I haven’t really seen them out together, one party I went to they were both there, but it wasn’t really a party and then we all ended up leavin and goin to jay’s house and playing gtar hero… but all of this was so long ago, like right after you left. I do know that she’s went to jags a few times and he was there.. besides that not to much goin.. im outta the loop haven’t hung with her since about 2-3 weeks after you left.

Yeah. Okay. this kid, who's name is Josh. is a fucking retard. he's an asshole. and one of those kid's who has to talk shit-to try and be cool-and try and be everyone's friend. he thinks that if he "knows what's going on" (he thinks he does) then everyone will want to be friends with him. Well-i get over this crap.

Josh calls me about mid-may [i am in south dakota at this time-visiting my mommie and dad]

he tells me that he needs a place to stay for a few months. he says he's over his head in bills and would like to get back on his feet.

i talk to my husband. we agree to let him move in with his 1 dog. now-the sh*t that happened after he moved in-is a whole seperate story which i will tell later. anyways. on with the story of the problems between me and my hubby.

My friend from S.D came down to visit. He stayed here at the house the 2 weekends he was here. [he had training for 2 weeks at an Air Force base a few hours away]
well. my husband gets home in june.
gets drunk one night-and goes thru an unused email account.
it was an old account that i did not use. i hadn't even checked it in forever.
well-someone had been emailing my SD friend. and they were semi-diiiiiirty emails.

as soon as my husband saw these. he freaked.
which, i would have too.
but as much as he believes-those emails did not sound like me.
alot of stuff in the emails did not add up with me.
well-
while he's freaking out. i'm trying to figure out who the hell wrote these. b/c it sure as f*ck was not me.

a few weeks later-after having alot of problems-just b/c my husband now thought i cheated on him-my sister calls. she proceeds to tell me "i can't get into your email anymore"

WTF?!?!

yeah. apparently-when i checked that account in SD on my parents computer-it saved my password. and b/c my sister has a very nosy and very psycho baby's daddy-she had been using my email. well. my husband never called her after finding this out to check out her story. never called my friend. he just thinks i cheated.

there's no changing his mind.
there's no getting him to see the truth.
nothing.

well-the past few weeks have been rough. we've fought-like hardcore fought. to the extent of him calling the police [funny story]
and then a day later-we get back to being close to "us"
we become all sweet.
happily married.

or so i thought.

he wanted me to sign divorce papers about 2 weeks ago. but i had so much other crap going on with my daughter at the time. that i said "not till after the stuff with Nevaeh is over." that's when we started fighting. bad. it lasted 2 days

well-now it's over-Nevaeh's stuff that is. and so is the fighting.

we got back to being great. now-the past few days. he's come home from work. "when you gonna sign the papers... when you're single...i'm gonna miss you..." and i seriously do NOT know what to do anymore. i don't want to believe him. and i really don't know if i do or not at this point. i hate this.

i have a myspace. but well. he checks it. and there's a place to blog on there. but then i can't get input from just unknown, non-biased people. like here. on myspace. blogs are for my friends. so. hello live journal.

anyways. well. i'm sorry to all reading this. about how scattered it is. if you could only see inside my head. gah.

anyways. thanks for reading. more to come. as my life continues.